My name is Ron Alder, I’m I'm the father of Kristiann Alder. I would like to tell you about my little girl and some of the things that I learned from her life. Kristiann Alder was born May 2, 1989, at 3:20 am in Provo, Utah. She weighed 8 pounds 10 ounces and was 21 inches long. Her parents are Ronald Paul Alder, and Tracy Ann (Lundquist) Alder. She was a beautiful little girl with bright thoughtful eyes. She was born with a severe heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. After six days, on May 8, 1989, she died.
I would like to tell you about her life and explain why I can tell this story with only a small lump in my throat and a few tears of love and thankfulness in my eyes.
Story Starts
The story starts a year and a half before she was born. As part of my work I attended a computer conference in Las Vegas. It worked out that Tracy was able to accompany me on the trip. We had plenty of time to talk as we drove from our home in Orem, Utah to the conference.
I don’t remember how the subject came up, but we started to talk about some spiritual impressions we had been having. I said that I had been feeling there was something coming that we needed to be prepared for. Tracy said that she had been feeling the same kind of impressions. Neither one of use knew exactly what it meant or what to prepare for, but we both knew it was important.
After the trip we kept looking for the big thing that we knew was coming. We would talk about it and say things like, one of us must be going to get a hard church calling. The one thing that seemed sure, was whatever was coming was going to be hard. A new church calling seemed to fit. They can be hard and rewarding. Something would change at work and we would say “is that it?” Or there would be a change in one or our church callings and we would say “is that it?”
Baby Coming
We planned for a new baby and soon we were excited to be expecting our fifth child. Again we said “is that it?” Is having a new baby the thing we needed to be prepared for? We just looked at each other and said if the first four did not get us ready for this one then we didn’t know what else would. I guess you are never really ready for a new baby. Each one is unique and brings a new set of challenges and a new set of joys. We pretty much decided that this was not it, but the feeling was still there.
Early in the pregnancy there were some complications. Tracy and I were worried about the baby. Tracy made an appointment to see the doctor and we prayed that the baby would be alright. I always worried about our babies before they were born. This is only natural. I prayed for the baby’s health, but I did not receive a usual answer or feeling. I felt calm, but did not feel comfortable about the well-being of the baby. The more I prayed, the more I got the feeling that the baby would be ours in the eternities, but would not be ours now.
I became convinced that Tracy would miscarry. I was not sure of the doctrine about babies that die early in a pregnancy, will they be sealed to their parents? The fact that Tracy and I had been married in the Temple was of great comfort to me. The promises of the Temple sealing binds our family together in this life and in the next life. I hesitated to talk to Tracy about my feelings. I did not want to upset her. I finally decided to talk to her about the impression. It did trouble her, but it didn’t seem to be a surprise. It was like she was having similar feelings.
The doctor decided to do an ultrasound to see how the baby was doing. The ultrasound showed that the baby looked fine, but the placenta was attached too low, which would explain the complications. He assured us that in most cases this condition will correct itself as the pregnancy progresses. He said that they would do another ultrasound later in the pregnancy to check the position of the placenta and determine whether it would cause problems during delivery. The reassurances of the doctor did not calm our worries. After a while the uneasiness that we still had was explained away as protective parent nerves. The doctor ordered a second ultrasound and found that the placenta was now in a place that would not cause problems in delivery. We were told that we were expecting a little girl. Irrespective of our concerns, it looked like our little girl was strong and healthy.
Birth
The time came for the baby to be born. I was some what surprised that the baby made it to full term. I must have miss understood my feelings. Had I worrying for nothing? The baby was born. Other than her color being a little off, the doctors declared her health. She looked big and strong at 8 pounds 10 ounces. But there was something in her eyes that was calling out for help. Tracy could see it and it made her very nervous. She kept trying to get the doctors to take better care of the baby. The doctors were very nice to Tracy, but past off her concerns as an over protective mother. We soon took the baby to the nursery so the nurses could watch her and give her a bath. After getting Tracy settled in a hospital room I went home to get some sleep. Like all of our babies this one came in the middle of the night. Nether Tracy nor I had gotten any sleep the night she was born. After getting a little sleep I got a phone call from Tracy. She had just found out that the baby had been moved to the new born intensive care unit. There was defiantly something wrong with our beautiful little girl.
It Starts
After hanging up the phone, I knelt down and prayed to my Heaving Father for help. The spirit came very quickly and with great strength. I was instantly comforted and strengthened. The more I prayed the more I knew that this was not going to be easy. I got up from the prayer full of strength, but feeling a weight on my shoulders that made it hard to stand. As I stood an impression came to me like a voice that said “it has start”. Immediately my mind flashed back to the times that I had been prompted to prepare and to all of the times that I asked “is this it”. I now knew that this is it. I still did not fully understand what “it” was, but I was already feeling the weight of it.
I skipped eating so I would go to the hospital fasting. I was going to need all of the spiritual strength that I could get. I grabbed my consecrated oil and thought to myself; “you hold the priesthood of God, your new little baby needs you, go and call down blessing from heaven”.
When I arrived at the hospital I found Tracy in her room. She had just gotten back from seeing the baby. She told me to go to the newborn ICU and she would follow soon. I found our new little baby in a special bed hooked up to several monitoring devices and being given oxygen to breath. The doctors explained that she had fluid in her lungs. They said that her condition would most likely get worse before getting better. They assured me that they were doing everything they could to make her better.
I made arrangements for our friend who was a councilor in our bishopric, which worked close to the hospital, to come and help me administer to Kristi. He anointed her with the consecrated oil I had brought. I sealed the anointing and pronounced a blessing. When I needed the spirit the most it was not there. I said words, but they were not backed by the spirit of God. I felt like I had let down my little girl in her time of need. I thought that I must not have prepared well enough. I needed to call down blessing from heaven and save my daughter, but I could not do it.
Tracy and I stayed with and comforted our little girl all day. As the doctors had predicted she slowly got worse. By that night the ICU doctor was getting frustrated because he didn't understanding her condition better. The doctor finally decided he needed more information. He started explaining other tests that might better diagnose the problem. Up to this point they had not considered that her heart to be the problem. They had told us earlier that they could hear a heart murmur, but that was common in newborns and most likely, would not cause her problems and would go away in time.
The doctor decided to do an ultrasound of our baby’s heart to eliminate heart problems. They had a new ultrasound machine good at imaging and analyzing the heart. I had watched them use it earlier in the day. As the doctor in charge directed the use of the ultrasound machine other doctors gathered to learn. It was obvious that this doctor knew that he was doing and that the other doctors were there to be taught by him. I was fascinated by the procedure. Each step was being explained in grate detail by the head doctor. It was reassuring that the head doctor would be directing the procedure on my little girl.
The head doctor was a little reluctant to have Tracy and I present as they did the ultrasound, but he told us that we could stay. As he had done earlier he explained each step of the procedure in great detail. It was very fascinating. He instructed the technician to show a four chamber view of the heart. No matter how hard the technician tried and no matter how he changed the setting on the machine the doctor was not satisfied with what was on the screen. At this point his great teaching style fell apart. After a little fumbling around he turned to us and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what I’m seeing”. The head doctor, the instructor, the guru did not have the answers. He continued to look at the ultrasound images, only there was no more commentary, all instruction had ceased. He left the room and came back reading what look like a reference book. It was not clear what the problem was, but it did not look good for our little girl.
Bad News
After a while the doctor talked to us. He said that our daughter had a very serious problem with her heart. He wanted to send her to a heart specialist at Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake City. He thought that our little girl had a heart condition called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, but would leave the final diagnosis to the heart specialist. We asked some questions, including how serious is this. He said it is generally fatal. We asked how long does she have to live. He said that she may not make it to Primary Children's Hospital. The slow pace of the treatment that had gone on during the day quickly changed and so did the mood among the doctors and nurses. She was hooked to several more machines and they started giving medication to stabilize her condition.
The information came so fast. It seemed to be bouncing around in my head trying to find a place to land. It has not a surprise to be told that she was going to die. I had so many promptings that indicated that she was not going to be ours in this life, but would be ours after death. Now the doctor had just confirming this. I had gotten use to having doubt. The things I was just told would remove much of the doubt. It kept bouncing around in my head. If I let it land, then I would be faced with excepting it. Could I except that my daughter was going to die and, could I except that this was in accordance with Heavenly Father's will. Was Heavenly Father, the one that loves me and has help me through so many trials in the past, really not going to stop my daughter from dying. How could I except this?
We could not stay by our baby because the doctors needed room to work. We could not stand there and be strong any more. We found a small storage room and went into it to be away from everyone. Tracy was crying. I felt that I needed to be strong for her, but all I could do was hold her and cry.
We started to talk. I looked at Tracy and asked if she as alright. I was not asking about her emotional or spiritual well bring, but about her physical health. You need to know that I'm married to a supper human woman. She had given birth and gone without sleep now into a second night. I had gotten some sleep and was ready to drop, but not Tracy. Her baby needed her and she was going to be there. I'm not sure how she did it. Or, maybe I do know how she did it. Blessings from heaven had started to pore out on us. From this point on we were picked up and carried by our Heavenly Father and our savior Jesus Christ. There was a lot to do and we needed to get about it no matter how we were feeling.
We wanted to give her another Priesthood blessing. Not only a blessing, but a name and a blessing. This was important to Tracy. I called our Bishop and told him the circumstance and explained our desire that our baby receive the ordinance of a Name and a Blessing. He did some checking and thinking, and soon authorized me to perform the ordinance. The doctor was not sure that she would make it to Primary Children's Hospital so we arranged to give her the blessing before they put her in the ambulance. There was not time to have someone come to the hospital to assist me, so I found a young Priesthood holder that work in ICU, which looked like a returned missionary, and asked him to help me. It was complicated by all of the machines that she was now hooked to. This is how we did it. Tracy sad in a chair next to Kristi, the chair seem to appear out of no where. Everyone in the ICU was interested in our little girl and wanted to help. Went a chair was needed someone got it without being asked. A reverent feeling fell over the ICU as I prepared to give the blessing. As Tracy sat in the chair the doctors rearranged the machinery as they put the baby in Tracy’s lap. I and the other Priesthood holder laid our hands on Kristi and gave her a name and a blessing.
I gave her the name that Tracy and I had just decided on. Her name is Kristiann Alder. The words for the blessing came much easier this time. I had started to understand God's will. There were no words of blessing for her future life. The blessings were for the present and perhaps the after life. The spirit of the Lord was there. It blessed me and all that were present. I could tell that some there understood more than others, but I think all felt the spirit.
Kristiann would be transported by ambulance and we were to drive our car to Primary Children's Hospital. Tracy's doctor was not sure that she should go now. He understood that this would be her second night without sleep. He really wanted Tracy to spend the night in her hospital room and join me and Kristiann the next day. He would give her something to ensure that she would sleep. The doctor got one of Tracy's looks. She told him that she was going with her baby and that he should keep any sleep medication away from her. The doctor looked long and hard into Tracy's eyes and then turned to the nurse and said release her from the hospital. The instruction seemed unexpected by the nurse.
There was a flurry of activity as all the paper work and release procedures were quickened. It seemed to be much about nothing. In the middle of this a nurse tried to give Tracy an injection. She ask what it was for and they said that the doctor had order it. She asked again, what is this for? The answer came, it is to help dry up your milk. Tracy stopped and thought for a moment. Kristi may need me to feed her. If she doesn't, wont my milk dry up on its own? Yes it will, but this will make it more comfortable for you. Tracy informed them that she did not need medication and that she was going to keep the milk in case Kristi needed it.
After what seem forever to me, Tracy was discharged from the hospital and we were in the car on our way to be with our little girl. After what the doctor said, we wondered if Kristi had made it to Primary Children’s Hospital alive. The thought of watching Kristi die did not set well with me. I was not sure I could stand watching are beautiful little girl die. I told Tracy if she was going to die then I wished it would happen before we get to the hospital. She completely understood what I has saying. She said that it might be easier to have it happen when we were not present. But, no matter how hard it would be we both wanted to be with her and were not comfortable being separated from her.
Primary Children's Hospital
We arrived at Primary Children's Hospital and found Kristi in another ICU hooked to a different set of instruments much like the ones she had just left. The heart specialist had already examined her and soon was ready to talk with us. He confirmed the other doctors diagnosis. She had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. This was not a term that meant much to us other than we knew that it was very bad. The doctor started to explain the condition to us. It is a condition where the left half of the heart doesn't develop completely. In Kristi case her aorta was also underdeveloped.
He continued by explaining that before a baby is born, the fetus's blood does not need to go to the lungs to get oxygenated. The ductus arteriosus is a hole that allows the blood to skip the circulation to the lungs. This allows the right side of the baby's heart to help the left side circulate blood to the baby’s body. However, when the baby is born, the blood must receive oxygen from the lungs and this hole closes. If the hole stays open, this condition is called Patent Ductus Arteriosus. Kristi was being given medication to keep this hole open. As long as the hole was open, the right side of her heart could, in a limited way, do the work of both sides. Her left side was so defective that it was not able to pump much blood at all. Even with the Patent Ductus being held open with medication this was not a stable condition.
As we asked more questions the doctor got some documents and a booklet that had diagrams of the heart. These diagrams help us understand that he was saying. I started to look through the booklet. It had explanations and diagrams for many heart defects. Most of which I had never heard of. I was trying to find the section on Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. The doctor was hesitant to help me. After I asked again, he reluctantly told me that the booklet only had heart conditions that they could fix. That hit me hard. We would like to think that doctors can fix anything.
After we started to understand Kristi's condition the doctors started to explain what they could do for her. They explain that the only real fix for a baby with her condition was a heart transplant. Replace the bad heart with a good one. The problem was by the time a new heart could be found, it would be too late, or she would be so sick that she would not be able to survive the surgery. So, a heart transplant was not an option for her.
They described a procedure called the Norwood Procedure. This procedure was major heart surgery that would reroute the blood flow from the heart so that the good right side would provide blood flow to both the lungs and the body. If the surgery was successful, the baby may be able to live long enough to get a heart transplant. This procedure at the time was classified as experimental. They were able to do the procedure there, and they had experience doing it. There were many problems with this plan. First, she would need to survive the surgery. Then she would need to recover enough that she could survive a heart transplant. This may take many years. A heart of the right type would need to become available. Those years would involve a lot of time in the hospital. Until the transplant, the child would be restricted to a very low activity level. Getting out of bed may be too much. If the child survived the Norwood Procedure and the subsequent transplant, it would be very likely that there would be brain damage. Almost certainly there would be some, and in many cases it has been very severe.
After some discussion with us and after discussing it amongst themselves they talked to us about the viable treatment options. They outline three options. 1) Take Kristi home and love as long as she lives. 2) Leave her in the hospital were they could continue giving her medicine to keep the patent ductus open. This may make her live longer. 3) Norwood Procedure.
They recommendation option 1. Take her home and enjoy the time you have. If we did not feel comfortable caring for her at home, they would be glad to care for here at the hospital with option 2. If we really wanted to and were willing to except all the risks, they would do option 3. They then explain that for the moment Kristi was stable. Which meant we had some time to decide, but they did not know how long she would stay stable.
Decision
This gave us a very hard dilemma. Do we follow the doctor's recommendation and take her home and love her? This would mean we were condemning her to death. Or should we do everything that is humanly possible no matter the risk and no matter the hardship and the suffering for Kristi? Tracy and I talked, long and hard. I said, this is a decision that we need to get right for Kristi and for ourselves. In the future, we cannot look back at this time and ask, did we make the right decision. It would be extremely terrible if we spent the future reliving this decision. This is a decision that we need to feel confident in. The confidence needs to be powerful enough to carry us the rest of our lives. We called our Bishop and updated him. He came to the hospital to talk to us.
I'm not sure how we make it through. We were blessed. Tracy and I talked and talked. We prayed together and individually. We discussed each option. Could we take her home and watch her die? Should we leave her in the hospital, so she could get the patent ductus medicine. We ask the doctors about that. They were not sure how long the medication would be effective. Putting her through a very dangerous surgery and helping her through the very long and very painful recover was not a pleasant thought.
We looked at her in the ICU and looked at all the other babies there. Because she did not need both sides of heart before she was born, she was a big strong good looking baby. She was too big for the normally stocked diapers they had in that ICU. Most of the other babies looked premature and used smaller diapers. Then is hit Tracy. Most of the other babies would recover, but her baby was most likely not going to live long. The biggest and strongest looking baby was one of the sickest. You can't judge by outward appearance.
After deliberating for what seemed a long time, but in reality was short. We made the decision to take Kristi home and enjoy the time we had with her. Did we make the right decision? The answer that came to us then and which still supports us now, was a resounding YES. Would the decision always be the same for babies in exactly the same situation? That answer is a definite no. Everyone is different. All babies are different. We feel very strong that we made the right decision for our little girl at that time. We now have had a long time to look back at that decision. We have often wondered if we make the best choice for Kristi. We have always concluded we did the right thing. We did the best we could for our baby. It is still hard. It has been hard to write this. Tears were shed.
What have I learned through this? Hard decisions can be made with the help of a loving Heavenly Father and the support from our Savior Jesus Christ. It is possible, but not easy, to look back on that hard decision and not be torn up inside.
After the decision was made things started to happen fast and a lot needed to be done. The people in the ICU started getting Kristi ready to go home. Paper work needed to be filled out and signed. All of this seemed to go fast to me. I guest they wanted to give us as much time as possible with her at home. We were instructed on how we should take care of her and what to watch for.
A woman working in the ICU was Tracy's friend from collage and was married to my cousin. She just happened to be working that night. It was so nice to have someone there we already knew. As we were leaving, she told us that she thought we made the right decision. She had not talked to us earlier because she knew that it was something that we needed to decide for ourselves.
Going Home
Since it was very early in the morning we decided to go to Tracy's parents' house and get some sleep and let them see Kristi before going home to Orem. They lived in the Salt Lake City area at that time. We were not sure that we could sleep, but going without sleep for 2 nights makes you very sleepy. We got a little sleep which felt very good. It was nice to let Tracy's parents see Kristi, and we caught them up on all the details. Tracy's uncle Kent came over to see Kristi.
We decided to give Kristi another blessing. I sealed the anointing and gave my little girl a priesthood blessing. This time the words came easy. The spirit was there. I was slowly understanding the will of God regarding Kristi. She is not only my daughter, she is the daughter of God who loves her very much. I felt His love for her. He is not a God that is distant and far removed that is ignoring the fervent prays of Tracy and I. He is in fact a loving Father that cares very much for my little girl. He also has a plan for her that I got a little glimpse of. His plan for her did not include a long life. I was slowly understanding this. After giving her blessings of comfort I closed in the sacred name of Jesus Christ.
Much later uncle Kent talked to Tracy and me about his thoughts and feelings that morning. At first he could not understand why we were doing so well under the load of the devastating condition of our daughter. His feelings about that changed after the blessing which he helped us give. He felt the spirit. He was able to understand in a small way God's plan for her. There was a plan for her and the plan was part of loving her. We talked to Kent about how could a loving Heavenly Father think that not saving Kristi from her heart defect and letting her die was part of a loving plan.
Excepting the will of God was very hard for me. Was it even possible for me to except a plan that did not include having Kristi with us. The thought kept coming up that no loving Heavenly Father would ever let my little girl die. How could any father think that letting an innocent little baby die was the right thing to do? Part of me now knew that this is Heavenly Fathers plan, and it is the right plan for my baby. How can this be? I cried a lot that day. Crying was not something I did. At least before Kristi. I learned to cry that day. Not something I ever planned on doing. I have also leaned to except God's plan, and except that it is a loving plan. That was very, very hard to do. Excepting Heavenly Father's plan for Kristi is why I can talk about her to almost anyone and why I can stand to write this.
The Kids
It was now time to go home. We looked forward to seeing our other kids. We did not look forward to talking to them about Kristi's condition and what that meant. We had stayed in contact with our friends at home, particularly the ones that were tending our other children. They and most of the ward were trying to figure out what they could do to help us. Just so you know, for the next time you have someone that is going through a bad thing, the best thing to do is to pray for them. We felt great blessings from Heaven, and it was because many people prayed for us. Providing food can only go so far. Our refrigerator soon filled. There was one thing done for our family that we have greatly appreciated in the years since. It was something that one of our neighbors did for us. She arranged for a professional photograph to take pictures of our family with Kristi and pictures of Kristi individually.
When we got home we hugged our kids and introduced them to Kristi. They were so excited to see the new baby. We talked openly about Kristi's condition and what was going to happen to her. One thing we have learned from this is kids are tough. If the parents are not freaking out about very bad news, their kids will be able to handle bad news. I’m not trying to say that it was easy for them, but they did really well considering the circumstances. They had a lot to process, and it did not happen all at once. I think trying to spare a child by not telling them something that will be hard to except is wrong and will only make things worse. Finding the right way to talk to them, and the right time is very important. Our kids just excepted the news in stride. The younger ones excepted it as something normal and usual. The older ones knew this was far from normal or usual. Again there were a lot of tears. Being able to cry together was very good. Seeing mom and even dad crying let them know how we felt about it. It is a hard think, but we will get through it together.
Photos
It was now time to go to the photographer. This was the time that we had told our friend that we wanted to do it, and she had made all the arrangements. We were not sure how long Kristi would live, so we decided it should be sooner than later. We rushed to get everyone changed into their church clothes. This was not easy. We had to find clothes and convince the kids to get dressed. We got ready as fast as we could because we so much wanted to have a family picture with Kristi in it. As we got to the photograph, we found out that he had already been paid by our friends and neighbors and that we were not to worry about that. He was so kind. There was never a rush. We were his top priority. We got a family picture with Tracy holding Kristi. Just as you would expect to see with a new baby. Kristi was very tired at this point. We still got great pictures of her. One of the pictures of Kristi has hung in our house ever since which has helped her remain an important part of our family.
After the photographer we went back home. We tried to settle into normal life or as close as we could get. I talked to my boss at work and asked for some more time off. They said don't worry about coming to work, take as much time off as you need, and this time will not count against your vacation time. They were so good to me. I stayed home from work and the kids did not go to school. We settled in and made a couple of places for Kristi. One in the living room and one in our bedroom. We made sure they would accommodate her oxygen tank. At the hospital they had her on oxygen. Her heart condition was causing congestive heart failure which caused fluid to collect in her lungs making it hard for her to breathe. The oxygen seemed to help.
The Sign
So many people were interested in Kristi, and how we were doing and what they could do for us that it was hard to focus on our family. I think someone suggested this. We set up family time and visiting time. We made two signs for the front door and had our kids decorate them. One said "Family Time" and the other "Visiting Time". The hours for each time was posted with the explanation that visitors should wait until visiting time. A lot of the kids in the neighborhood wanted to see the new baby. As soon as we put up the Family Time sign they stopped coming to the door. All the people honored the sign. When it was time for Visiting Time we got a knock at the door. It was some like girls that wanted to see the baby. We quickly changed the sign to Visiting Time and let them in.
There was such a good feeling in our home while Kristi was there. She had administering angles that filled our home. A calmness came on the visiting girls. They must have been able to feel the spirit of the angles. We showed them Kristi. They were so excited to see the new baby. Not too long after that, one of the girl’s mother came to the door. She apologized for her daughter disturbing us and asked us to send her daughter out. We explained that it was not any problem during Visiting Time. In fact, this is the time that we would like visitors and we invited her in to see the baby. She was very reluctant. We could tell that she did not know how to deal with a family with a dying baby, not that anyone really knows how to do that. As soon as she came into our home, she, like her daughter had, started to feel the spirit there. She got introduced to Kristi and sat down. She was soon calm and seemed to enjoy her time there. Before she left she expressed that she was starting to understand how we could be so calm and collected while going through such a hard thing. We thanked her for coming and told her that she could come back during any Visiting Time.
Special Time
The only way that we held it together at all that week and had any form of social graces was because of all the blessing showered down on us from heaven. This was a very special time. I have never felt so much help from heaven before and may never have it again. Kristi sure is a very special girl. It was fun to introduce her to people. We could see in their faces that they could feel the presence of the angles that attended her. It was a very special time.
We decided to introduce Kristi to my friends at work. One day that week we took her to work, oxygen tank and all. She looked so good, big and strong, the oxygen tank and nose tub reminded everyone that she was really a very sick girl. Tracy sat in the conference room holding Kristi while people came in to see her. It was really nice to be able to share the feeling that surrounded Kristi with my friends. It was a short visit, but a good visit.
I’ve already told you that my wife is superhuman. Tracy was with Kristi all the time. Her baby was sick and she simply needed to be there for her. The only sleep Tracy got was when someone else was watching Kristi, and she slept very little even then. Tracy breast feed Kristi which was very comforting to Kristi. Tracy was very pleased that she was able to that for her baby. The bonding between a mother and baby is amazing. Something that is beyond my comprehension. Tracy's bonding with Kristi was fast and strong. Tracy loves having children! Even the idea of losing one was unthinkable. The fact that we were sealed to Kristi because of our marriage in the Temple of the Lord was very comforting. Our special marriage meant that death would not separate us. Kristi will be our daughter after she dies. We will be together again because of the promises we received from the Lord in His Temple. This means that having a child die is not losing her, but simply being separated from her. That changes the death of a child from something that is completely intolerable to something that is very, very hard.
The End
Time seemed to pass fast and slow all at the same time. Too soon we started to see some signs of the end that the doctors told us to expect. She seemed to be in more pain, and her breathing was labored. We gave her something for the pain and turned up her oxygen. The oxygen didn’t seem to help as much as it did at first. This is something the doctors warned us about. We felt very helpless. There was nothing we could do to stop what was happening. We knew what was coming, or I should say that we were told what was going to happen. As for me, it had not really settled into knowledge. I was in denial. I simply was not capable of going through this. There are many times in life that you must face situations that you are not ready for, and you just get through them. This was one of those times, but much, much harder.
We got the feeling that the time was short. As with the birth of all our babies, this was happening late at night. We had put the other children to bed and they were all asleep. We sat together holding Kristi. She was not feeling good. To try to make her more comfortable we put a pillow across both our laps and put her on it. That helped a little. This was so hard. Tracy and I cried a lot. Kristi's breathing got worse. At the very end Tracy picked her up and held her close as she took her last breath. She was gone. Our little girl was gone. She was there a moment ago and now she is not. She was not asleep, she was gone. As her spirit left her body something changed. It was something we could tell happened, but it was not something that can be expressed in words. Kristi was still close, but not in her body.
We woke up are other children so they would know that it had happened and we let them say goodbye. Some of them were more alert than others. Through this experience and other experiences, I have learned that the best way to deal with death is to face it. Trying to protect someone from death does not work and only makes it harder. With children talk to them about it. It is a normal part of life. It is hard to deal with because we will miss the person. It is not the end. We continue to live even after death. We will see the person again. It may be further in the future than we would like it to be, but we will see them again. The children got to say goodbye. The kids were tired and went back to bed.
Tracy cleaned up Kristi and changed her clothes. We then called the mortician that we had already made arraignments with. His name is Tom Sanders. Interesting enough, he has become a friend of ours. He came to the house. We handed him Kristi and talked to him for a little while. He comforted us and explained the next steps in a procedure that we were not familiar with. As he was leaving, he asked if it was alright if he covered her face. We said yes. Later Tracy told me that when he asked that question she thought, well yes, cover her face, it might be cold outside. The though hit us hard, she doesn't need to worry about the cold anymore.
We had been focused on caring for Kristi for what seemed to be a very long time. The question came to my mind, now what do we do? Tracy and I talked about it. Then we both got hungry. We went to the kitchen and had something to eat. We both got very tired. We talked later about that time and concluded that as long as Kristi was alive, we were supported and helped, almost carried. Some of that support was now gone. We were hungry and very tired. After eating, we dragged ourselves to bed and had a restful sleep. The work that we needed to do for Kristi in this live was done. I hope that I served her well.
The next day there were still things to do and dissections to be made. Where do we bury her? Do we have a funeral or a grave side service? What about flowers and a coffin? We decided to have a funeral. We set a date, time and arranged for a place. The funeral would be at our church. What do we dress her in.
Then Tracy’s sister Sue got the news of Kristi’s conditions she tried to make fast arrangements to travel to Utah to be with us. She was not able to make fast travel plans. She decided to make a dress for Kristi while she waited. Sue is a very skilled seamstress. The dress that she made was the dress that Kristi was buried in. The gift of the dress meant a lot to us.
Funeral
We when through a flurry of activities getting ready for the funeral. It was hard to keep moving, but this was for Kristi and we were happy to do it. The time for the funeral was here. We had a viewing before the funeral service. It all seemed too much for me to handle. Would I have the straight to get through it all? Then something wonderful happened. It was as if we were picked up and carried. We got renewed strength and comfort.
At the viewing many people came to comfort us and lift us up. We were very appreciative of all their support and love. Some women came through with tears on their faces, and some men were fighting back tears. We comforted them. Later, people talked to use about the viewing and asked, how were you able to be so comforting to us who had come to comfort you. We tried to explain the wonderful thing that had come over use and the great blessings we had received. It is hard to explain something you don’t completely understand. We were just thankful.
The funeral service was very good for us and to all that came. Doug and Jill sang “Together Forever”. Doug is my cousin and Jill is his wife. Jill is the nurse we knew in the Primary Children’s ICU. They are both talented singers and both now sing in the Tabernacle choir. They sounded great and brought a good feeling to the service. They had a hard time holding back the tears during their performance because they had been so close to what was going on with Kristi, but they did it. I spoke at the funeral and our Bishop spoke. Tracy had not planed speak, but she gave an impromptu speech which was wonderful and very touching.
The burial was at the Orem, Utah city cemetery. We picked the plot because it was close to a big tree and it seemed peaceful and calm. For adult funerals tradition has pallbearers carry the coffin. Baby coffins are small enough that one person can carry them. Tradition has the father of the baby carry the coffin. I did not expect that, but I agreed to do it. It ended up being an emotionally hard thing to do. It was also a great honor to perform one of the last acts of service for my little girl. There was a brief grave side service where I dedicated her grave by the power and authority of the holy priesthood that I hold. I dedicated the site to be the final resting place for Kristiann Alder. I blessed the site to be a place of comfort to anyone that visits. I want it to be a place of happiness and not a place of sorrow.
Grave
Kristi’s grave has been a happy place for our family. We do not go there to grieve. We go there to celebrate her as part of our family. That said, there have been many tears shed there, but the place always brings comfort after the sorrow and the tears. We have a tradition in our family for Kristi's birthday. We go to the cemetery with helium balloons, one for each year since her birth. We go there to celebrate her birth not to remember her death even though the two dates are very close. We always try to make it a fun event, particularly for the children. There may be some tears, but in our family tears are normal. Our children all have fond memories of our visits to the cemetery.
Our two youngest children, Amy and Michael, who were not born when Kristi died, had points in their lives were they had to reconcile the difference between a graveyard and a cemetery. According to movies and TV shows, graveyards are very scary places, and you don't want to go there. Now on the other hand, they knew that a cemetery was a fun place, a place you go to let balloons fly. Therefore, a cemetery must be very different from a graveyard. They have talked to us about resolving how the words graveyard and cemetery are similar and so different in their lives. They have learned that some things that are cold, dark and scary to some are warm, bright and fun to others. We choose to make the cemetery a fun place for our children and all that come.
Tracy and I made a conscious decision that Kristi is a part of our family now and forever. When asked how many kids we have, we always included Kristi. Having a baby die was to be normal in our house. We would always be able to talk about Kristi with the kids and anyone else. Whenever listed everyone in the family we always included Kristi. If we ever left Kristi out our kids would remind us, you forgot Kristi. Even when we were naming all the kids to see if everyone had a coat to wear we could not forget Kristi. The kids would just say, oh she doesn’t need one.
Return To Normal
After Kristi died and all the events surrounding her had settled down, we tried to return to normal life. This time was very interesting and hard. All of the heavenly help that we got through the hard times was gone. That was alright I thought, I can handle regular live, or can I? There was something missing. I missed Kristi. She was a person that I only knew for a week. I didn’t have any conversations with her. I didn’t really get to know her. I only got a glimpse into her personality. But I still missed her. I found myself crying for what seemed from the outside to be no real reason. Tracy understood. We talked about it. What do you do? You do the only thing that you can, and that is put one foot in front of the other. Your feet don’t want to walk, but they will move if you tell them to. I didn’t really want to do anything. But there was still things to do, I needed to go to work. Could I even think and solve problems at work. I tried to think and I could still do it. My kids needed me, so I gave them love and support. I would start doing things and accomplishing thinks, that is, if movement counts as accomplishment. Then the thought would come to my mine, how can you just go back to normal life. You should have a new baby to adjust to and new things to do for her and life should be different, but it’s not what I had envisioned.
There was something missing. I have a hole in my heart. It is the place I was going to hold all the love and happiness that I expected to get from Kristi. There was something missing. The hole in my heart hurt. Not just a little bit, it hurt a lot. What could I do to fill it and make the hurt go away. Nothing that I tried helped.
I hoped from on the outside I looked okay. I was hurting on the inside. I had parts of my body hurt before and I would be tuff and get over it. This was different. I had been so blessed through out Kristi’s life, and now a lot of that was gone. I would find myself crying very hard because it hurt. Then this warm feeling would come over me. It felt something like having a warm blanket put over me on a cold day. The warmth started at my head and continued down until my feet were warm. I have had enough experiences with the Holy Ghost to know what this was. I was experiencing the Holy Ghost comforting me. He is called the comforter for a good reason. I was given the Gift of the Holy Ghost by my father, and the priesthood he holds, at my confirmation after being baptized when I was eight. I sometimes forget how wonderful and powerful this gift is. I felt the comforting power of the Holy Ghost at that time. Sometimes I expect that being blessed by the comforter means that all of the pain and hurt would be wiped away. That is not the case. The pain still comes, and it still hurts, but before despair sets in, the comforter steps in. Oh, I’m so glad for the Gift of the Holy Ghost.
We planted a garden that year as we had done in years past. This year I found myself spending more time in the garden than I had ever done before. There is something calming and therapeutic about watching plants grow and knowing that you had something to do with it. We planted a lot of tomatoes. I like tomatoes. I wanted to have the plants grow big and strong, and produce lots of tomatoes. As it turned out the plants did grow very big. Bigger that I have ever seen before. This was very satisfying to me, but they produced very few tomatoes. Latter I found out from others that know more about gardening than I do, that most likely I fertilized them too much with the wrong kind of fertilizer. I guess, if I had spent less time in the garden the tomatoes would have done better. It was far less important for the garden to produce than it was for me to feel better. I did feel better.
Even after the gardening was done, the hole was still in by heart and it still hurt just as bad. That hole is still in my heart even to this day and it still hurts. The only difference now is that I have learn how to live with it. My heart hurts every time that I think of Kristi and that is just the way that it should be. For, if it ever stops hurting it would mean I have stopped caring about my little girl. I still love her and I still miss her. I really didn’t get to know her very well in the short time she had. Then what is it that I miss. I’ve thought about this a lot. I miss the things that could of been. Can you really miss something that you didn’t have. Well, I do. I long for the time when I will be reunited with her and really get to know Kristi. I hope that in some way I can still be a father to her. To protect her, to teach her, to introduce myself to her and let her get to know me. I would like to know who she is and let her teach me how to be a better person just like my other children have done.
Hard and Great
The whole experience of Kristi’s life left me with very conflicting feelings and emotions. I have explained it by saying, it was an experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy, and one that I would hope everyone could have. It was so hard. Having to decide to condemn someone to certain dead. I held a little innocent girl while she suffered and died. That I would not wish on anyone. Experiencing powerful tangible blessing from heaven was so great. Being with Kristi who was continually supported by Administering Angels was great beyond words. I hope everyone would be able to experience something like that. We live in a world of opposites and conflicts. You can’t know and understand the good without experiencing the bad. It was oh so hard, but because is was so hard we really understood and appreciated how great the blessings were which got us through it. Looking back on the experience I can’t understand how I got through it in one piece. It should have destroyed me, but look at me I’m writing about it. How can I do that? It was a very powerful experience that has changed my life.
Perhaps I do in part understand why I made it through this experience as well as I did. I was greatly blessed by a loving Heavenly Father. There is a God in heaven and he is the Father of all our spirits, making Him our Heavenly Father. We are all brothers and sisters. Like any loving father He cares about us. Not in some distant, far removed way, but in an everyday way. The more effort we put into our relationship with Heavenly Father the more we understand how much He cares and how much influence He has in our lives. Like any loving father of adult children He lets us live our own lives. He lets us make mistakes so we can learn from them. He lets us fall so we can get back up. This does not mean He does not care. It means He wants us to be the best we can be.
My Heavenly Father knew that Kristi’s live was going to be hard on me so he prepared me.
Long before her birth He let me know that something was coming.
It came in the form of small promptings which at the time were hard to understand.
He wasn’t trying to convey a lot of information to me, He was letting me know that her live was not a mistake or without purpose.
Her life had a carefully thought out plan that started long before she was born and continues long after her death.
This applies to all of our lives.
We only get glimpses into our life’s plan and we can’t comprehend all the things planned for us in the future.
I needed to understand that Heavenly Father has a loving plan for Kristi.
I didn’t need to completely understand what the plan is.
Her short live did not thwart the plan, but was part of it.
I will admit that I was pretty dense when it came to understanding the important things that Father was trying to teach me.
I guess that a lot of us have a hard time learning what is really important.
We get the idea that all we need to learn are facts.
Why didn’t Father just explain the facts to me, wouldn’t that have been better for me.
The facts of Kristi’s condition were hard to hear, but I did understand them fast enough.
The whys behind the facts were harder to understand and except.
Father knew this and that is why he helped me in the way He did.
Not to live my live for me, but to help me through life in a way that would let me learn, grow and progress.